Sleb Safari: Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly celebrate their engagement by drinking each other’s blood

LET’S kick off this week with Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly’s showbiz engagement because who doesn’t love a big day that ends with Wagon Wheel drunkenly singing the bride?

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are on the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton end of the intensity spectrum and their Instagram posts announcing their engagement explain why these two crazy kids are so well suited.

Megan set the scene.

“In July 2020, we sat under this banyan tree. We asked for magic,” she explained.

“We were oblivious to the pain we were going to face together in such a short and frenetic period of time.”

The couple were also “unaware of the work and sacrifices” ahead, simply “intoxicated” by love “and karma”. Which must explain their predilection for matching outfits and accessories.

“Somehow, a year and a half later, after going through hell together and laughing more than I ever imagined possible, he asked me to marry him.”

And then she hit a home run.

“And like in all lifetimes before this, and like in all lifetimes after, I said yes…and then we drank each other’s blood on 1.11.22.”

Did she maybe type in “bubbly” and her phone automatically corrected it to “blood”?

Her future husband was just as extra with his story.

“Yes, in this lifetime and in all lifetimes… under the same branches under which we fell in love, I brought her back to ask her to marry me.

“I know tradition is one ring, but I designed it with Stephen Webster to be two: the emerald (his birthstone) and the diamond (my birthstone) set on two magnetic bands of thorns that come together like two halves of the same soul forming the dark heart that is our love. 11-1-2022.”

Nobody has a spiritual or chemical connection as deep, as tortured, as intense as these two, okay? Theirs is “the darkest fairy tale” and they’ve inked it on each other’s skin so Sleb Safari doesn’t want to hear a single cynical look from you.

Here’s hoping he decides to adopt his last name and become Machine Gun Fox.

The only problem Sleb Safari can see is that they may have climaxed too soon with the “drinking each other’s blood to celebrate our engagement” caper.

How do you do better the day you exchange your vows? Do your guests even want to see you in the lead? I hope there is a vet on standby.

Lady Gaga and her pet flies

THINK of Lady Gaga shedding light on the “psychological difficulty” she experienced after starring as Patrizia Reggiani in House of Gucci.

Gaga once said she wasn’t imitating, but “becoming” Patrizia and now she’s told W magazine she’s convinced Patrizia sent a swarm of flies to follow her.

Asked if she was sad to leave the character after 18 months, Lady Gaga said: “On the last day of filming, I was on the balcony of my apartment in Rome, and I was blast Dean Martin singing Mambo Italiano, and I had a cigarette sticking out of my mouth.

“I was Patrizia. But I knew I had to say goodbye to her: big swarms of flies were following me everywhere, and I really started to believe that she had sent them. I was ready to let her go.

Are you sure they weren’t attracted to the meat dress you wore at the 2010 VMAs that must be in a sorry state by now?

Be More Taryn De Vere

Taryn de Vere gave herself a style challenge to dress up as a different household product every day, to make January more “joyful”.

She began on January 1 with the tweet: “My style challenge for Jan is to dress every day inspired by something in my house. Today it’s a sink unblocker.

Today is a sink unblocker? You must like it.

Taryn lives in Donegal and is clearly a genius. The Jan 7 toilet cleaner is Sleb Safari’s favorite so far, but he’d gladly accept a whole 12 months of it.